weLEAD Leadership Tip - You Can't Have It All.

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Leadership Tip of the Month

March 2006

You Can't Have It ALL!

One of the myths of the last century that has been carried over into the modern workplace is that it is possible for you to "have it all." This myth wants us to believe that we can commit an adequate amount of time to all our various needs and responsibilities including our work, families, community, parents, and children. We have been told this is possible and encouraged to achieve a balance in life. The message is "yes"… you can have it all. But, is this really true and does this result in personal fulfillment? Or does it lead to frustration and feelings of guilt?

In truth it is impossible to have it all. You may observe some people who appear to have it all. Many talented individuals are gifted with the ability to multitask very well and quickly shift their focus from one area of life to another. Viewing their lives, and seeing what they achieve from an outside perspective may give the impression that they have a life in balance and are excelling in all areas. But, if you look a little closer or take the time to talk to them, you will see a different picture. What you will find is a person who admittedly falls into one of these self-described categories. 1) a workaholic, 2) haunted with guilt because of neglected relationships, 3) an inner anxiety to prove themselves and their worth everyday. Do any of these categories sound like the ingredients to happiness or self-fulfillment to you?

It is a great fallacy to believe we can accomplish everything we desire and achieve a balance in life at the same time. The root of this lie is based on the philosophy that if we are only willing to work hard and long enough at everything, we can have everything. When we are unwilling to prioritize the important things in life and say "no" to the rest, we invent the myth that it is possible to have it all. Life is about making tradeoffs and setting a high priority on things that are most important to us. If we strive for achievement everywhere and all the time, we will find ourselves stressed out and feeling guilty much the time. What you need to know and accept is this phrase…

“There is not now enough time, nor will there ever be enough time to do all the valuable and worthwhile things in your life.”

Once you accept this reality you can begin to understand the need to prioritize the valuable activities in your life and begin to say "no" to others. As you conduct a personal inventory, I encourage you to ponder the following points.

1. Instead of trying to balance all of your obligations and commitments at one time, acknowledge that the most important things demand a major investment. These needs may shift from time to time. Sometimes it may be a serious family issue, or a personal challenge. At other times it may be a major project at work. There will even be times when you must temporarily reorient your priorities to achieve a personal goal. For example, if you return to college after you are an adult and have a family, it will require a major sacrifice of other important activities to be successful. When your classes have ended you will need to return to your commitments and obligations immediately as you again reorient your priorities back to where they were.

2. Look at your life as a book with many chapters. Each chapter has a different priority and responsibility. One may be nurturing your children, another caring for aging parents, another loving our spouse, and yet another is our chosen career. The balance we should seek should be among the different chapters and not within the chapters. All of them require different amounts of commitment at different times, and together they contribute to a satisfying life. For example, when your children are small and living at home it will require a different degree of priority than when they are independent adults.

3. Adjusting your standards can also be helpful. Often we put additional pressure on ourselves by having higher expectations on ourselves than others have. For example, we may have a work project that is due on Friday. We set a mental deadline to have the project done early on Wednesday. With this self-imposed expectation we ignore important personal responsibilities with our family. We feel stressed and guilty for our neglect, and have the report ready by Wednesday. Yet, who are we trying to impress? It was not due until Friday and nobody really cares as long as it is completed by the deadline! It would have been better to adjust our personal expectations, fulfill our family responsibilities and have the report completed by Friday.

4. Learn to focus on the task at hand. Develop the capacity to "switch and link." This is the ability to quickly switch our full attention to different activities and people. Harvard professors Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson discovered that some high-performing executives achieved happiness and satisfaction because they were able to rapidly switch their focus on various priorities and needs. Examples of this are turning your cell phone off at family dinner to concentrate on family communication, or leaving your laptop computer at home during a vacation.

It is important to take control of your time, and for you to decide what activities are most important to you. For further information on time management, click here!

For weLEAD, this is Greg Thomas reminding you that it was Herbert Bayard Swope who said, "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure… which is: Try to please everybody.”