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The Twelve Principles of Personal Leadership

Principle #6 – Dealing with the Disappointments

-One Leader’s Perspective

By Greg L. Thomas

We all come from different cultures and various backgrounds. The human race is very diverse. We are comprised of different colors, physical sizes, religious beliefs, political views, cultural backgrounds and local customs. However, as diverse as we are, there is a universal experience that leaders and followers all have in common. It is the feeling of disappointment and discouragement! When we approach the “valleys” of life our daily activities seem to become one “vicious circle”. The circle usually works something like this. A particular event occurs and we get discouraged, and it affects the qualities of our decision making. We become frustrated and stress takes a toll on our attitude. The negative results of these decisions made under duress get us even more discouraged, and the cycle continues. In the publication, Leadership by the Book, a parable in the book reminds us that “people who produce good results feel good about themselves”. Unfortunately the reverse is also true!

Most of the time we may go through life at a seemingly even pace. Yes, we may have good days and bad days but they seem to balance themselves out as we proceed through life’s journey. But then there are times when everything seems to go wrong! Decisions appear to be poor. We offend or hurt people we don’t intend to. Our confidence seems to sag and everything we “touch” seems to turn into a negative result. We may begin to question our abilities or even lose sight of our personal goals or values. During this time, it is possible to sink into a period of melancholy and self-doubt regarding our past achievements or our vision of the future.

This is actually a universal human trait. Every indication is that all the great (and not so great) leaders of human history have experienced periods of discouragement or mild depression. It is not the purpose of this article to discuss chronic clinical depression, but the natural cycle of human discouragement we all suffer from occasionally. For example, Thomas Jefferson experienced a number of episodes of despondency during his life. One such period occurred after the death of his wife when he was virtually incapacitated for many days. For Jefferson these periods were usually accompanied by migraine headaches. Later in life he broke his wrist and it didn’t heal properly, causing him pain and discouragement. Winston Churchill also struggled with periods of dejection and personal frustration he referred to as the “black dog”. These feelings are typical of what we all experience at certain difficult times in our lives. If you are suffering from deep depression or chronic discouragement, I encourage you to seek professional medical advice.

So what can we do when everything seems to go wrong? What should we remember during these times? What can we do now to prepare for them?

First, understand that these periods are part of the natural cycle of human life and can actually be beneficial if we keep these experiences in proper perspective. As people, we tend to exclusively focus on the short-term. We realize life is short and fragile and there is a common tendency to view everything and every event in a short-term perspective. This is a mistake because short-term and long-term results are often very different. Worse yet, the end product of short-term vs. long-term results are typically the opposite of one another even though they were generated from the very same event! The passing of time has a way of changing perspectives or reality. Not wearing that automotive seat belt may seem like a good idea when you are in a hurry or only traveling a short distance… until your car is involved in an accident. Telling a lie may seem like a good answer to avoid embarrassment until others later confront us with the facts. Exaggerating our tax deductions may seem wise until we receive notification of an audit. Many attractive physical pleasures seem enjoyable in the short-term, but the end results may be expensive, painful or addictive! The short-term can often seem right only because it is the easy or attractive route. But as the journey continues, it proves to be a dead-end road.

As an amateur gardener and landscaper I often see homeowners make expensive mistakes by focusing only on the short-term. A new homeowner typically wants to add color and plant life to their landscape. So they go to the local nursery and purchase trees or shrubs to add natural color around the home. However, instead of planting and spacing this lush flora wide apart to accommodate their adult size, they will often plant them far too close so they will “fill in” the existing space. Having only a short-term perspective results in these trees or bushes soon growing into each other. This later forces the homeowner to eventually remove some, or all of them. The same is true of most decisions in life! The short-term perspective appears to be best and may actually work…for a while. But the effects of time and the long-term actually alters or may even negate the short-term results. Author and theologian Ernest Fitzgerald reminds us, “Triumphs are not always lasting and defeats are not always permanent.” He continues by stating, “Everyone has been sometimes up and sometimes down, but few people have known which was which at the time…everyday may not be a good day but if you hang on, things have a way of changing. Somehow right things float to the surface. It helps to remember that when the news coming in is all bad.”

During times of real discouragement when everything seems to go wrong, we tend to have a special affinity for the short-term! Depressed emotions direct us to focus on the way we feel and hurt right now! During these times we must become aware of this tendency. We must remind ourselves that even these feelings are short-term! Tomorrow will be another day, and we must not overwhelm our thoughts with only the way we feel at the moment. Lately, when I have purchased a service from a vendor, I have noticed a remark in part of the agreement. The remark states, that contrary to everything they just assured me, their service is “subject to change without notice.” If you are doing the right things with a sincere motive and positive attitude, you can rest assured that just as suddenly as things may go wrong, they can also improve. So the next time something seriously goes wrong, tell yourself that this too “is subject to change without notice.”

The right perspective is to accept the difficult situation at hand but look forward toward tomorrow, knowing that things will change in the near future. In other words, look beyond the present situation and into the future. It may even be time to candidly review your personal mission statement. Are we on the right mission or did we deviate? Have we maintained our values and goals or did we sacrifice them? If we discover we have deviated from our original mission or our values, it is time for some serious self-examination. Maybe this episode of despondency has been caused by an internal conflict over our mission, goals, or values! This is also a time when many great historical leaders have tapped into the religious, moral or ethical foundation of their souls to find comfort or seek direction. If we have maintained our original course, we may simply be experiencing the short-term results of a temporary situation that will improve with the passing of time. What else can we do when everything seems to go wrong?

During your darkest hours you should honestly ask yourself a simple question. “Just what do I really believe about my purpose?” You basically have only two choices. You can choose to believe that your destiny is a matter of chance, circumstance or luck and what happens to us is merely the result of some kind of nebulous unplanned fate. If this situation is correct then all our efforts are essentially worthless and our personal struggles in vain. Also, if this situation is correct then everyone and every action wind-up to a meaningless conclusion. But there is another choice! You can choose to believe that the creative structures of the universe are guided so that the path of right choices and values ultimately come out at the right place! The right road eventually leads to the right destination. The sowing of good seed will in time bring about a good harvest. If you believe and understand that your destiny has purpose and is at least partially in your own hands, you will gain comfort and confidence from maintaining your goals and values. If they are positive, uplifting and caring they will endure and so will your efforts. But, if you realize your values are deficient or self-serving, then it is time for some serious personal change.

What should we remember during times of discouragement? Eventually everyone has his or her dreams fractured. Very few people live without periods of self-doubt, severe problems or personal defeat. The servant-leaders are those who refuse to stay down when they go down. Those who choose to lead are those who look back and remember their dreams and ideals. The core of personal leadership inspires one to maintain their deep inner vision of a better self, family, organization, business, or society… especially in challenging times. We should always remember that every great achievement ever accomplished by the human race has been through hard struggle and great resistance. It is also during these times we should draw strength from our families, friends, or co-workers. I have personally also found it encouraging reading the biographies of great leaders or achievers in history when I am discouraged. Their lives can remind us of the importance of personal endurance and determination against great odds. What can we do to prepare in advance for times of discouragement or despondency?

Those who make it during the most difficult times are those who knowingly, or even unknowingly prepared themselves in advance! During the stable and calm times they established their convictions and fixed their values. It is during the peaceful moments they decided that people are more important than possessions. They decided that a clear conscience is of greater value than increased profits, and integrity is worth more than dishonest glory. Those who desire to do great things have tested and established these values during the “good days”. Then, when the valleys of life are later traveled, the momentum of those deep convictions pull them through toward the horizon. Those who stand in the “dark valleys” don’t surrender because they decided long before what they believe and why. Propelled by the momentum of their values they walk through the dark valleys until the landscape rises once again and dawn begins to break.

The greatest possessions of our lives are not those things we discover or embrace on the outside, but what we discover within ourselves. It is during the times when “everything seems to go wrong” we are prodded to examine who and what we are. It is also during these times our beliefs and very purpose may be greatly challenged. As a leader, recognize that these times also have a profound purpose and have the potential to make us more matured, stronger and wiser. Self-examination and a reaffirmation of our vision and values are powerful tools. I encourage you to view the difficult times in your life from a long-term perspective. Don’t allow your feelings of discouragement today to cloud your faith in a better tomorrow. But, what if you are going through a disappointment so severe you feel like a “failure”? What if others refer to you as a failure? What if you feel that things couldn’t possibly get any worse?

Failure is a strong word. It even sounds harsh and judgmental. In the western world it is often applied to people in a condescending way. It is also typically used in a way that emphasizes permanence. When someone is designated a failure it is often implied they have little value, and that there is no opportunity to change their situation. When an event is called a failure it is often implied that the results were miserable and unchangeable. But is this really the correct definition of this coarse word? Is this the proper perspective for a leader to have?

First of all, a failure is relative to time. How do we know we have had a good or bad day? The answer is often relative to the passing of time. Sometimes we may believe we have had an excellent day only to find out later that something else was going on we didn’t know was occurring! When we analyze the day in its entirety from hindsight, it turns out to be different than we first thought. On the other hand, we have all had days that seemed to be very bad. Maybe everything appeared to go wrong, or we may have had a single large event that turned the entire day into a negative frame. Yet, when we were given some exciting news later that evening, it may have turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us! Time turns a lot of failures into successes. The first great American general was George Washington. But early in the American Revolutionary War few would have called him even adequate, let alone great! He lost virtually every battle and skirmish against the British troops and retreat was common. He and his men were demoralized and at times it appeared the war was lost. Yet time proved these battles had just the right effect. The British resolve to keep the American colonies was being diminished with each battle and with the loss of each British solder. It turned out that winning battles was not as important as the resolve to continue … no matter what the odds. Time transcended George Washington from a failure to a hero. The same is true in our lives!

We must often be prepared to patiently wait for our efforts to produce results we can see. It is easy to do something and expect immediate results. We many even suspect failure has occurred if we don’t quickly see something tangible happen. But remember that seeds grow underground before you can see them. Sometimes they grow slowly and first establish roots before we see any tangible evidence of life. Those of us who garden learn to wait for the flowers to bloom. In the same way we must be careful not to casually judge an action or event as a failure. It is very possible that not enough time has elapsed to correctly judge the results. That same principle that holds true in nature is also true in life.

The second thing about failure is that it is relative to your limited perspective. Something terrible may happen in your life, but upon close examination you may clearly see a “silver lining”. There is an old Norwegian story about a fisherman who was out to sea with his two sons. The day was very good and they had achieved a large catch that would make anyone proud. But then a storm suddenly appeared that was so fierce and dark they could no longer see the shoreline! The boat rocked and creaked violently and the three men thought they would lose their lives. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they lost their sense of direction and felt as if they were doomed. Unknown to the fisherman, a tragic fire started at his home about the same time. It began in the kitchen of his cottage and destroyed every possession he had! The fisherman and his sons eventually found their bearings and were able to bring their battered boat safely ashore. Their entire large catch of fish had been lost that day!

When the men reached the dock, the fisherman’s wife was waiting to meet him with the tragic news of the fire! She uttered while crying, “Karl, a fire has destroyed everything we had”. “We have nothing left!” But the fisherman appeared to be unmoved by her news. She continued, “Karl, are you listening to me…everything is gone!” Karl nodded his head and replied, “Yes dear…I heard you…but a couple of hours ago, the boys and I thought we would die at sea. We were in deep despair and losing hope we would ever find the shore. In the blackness of the storm we were lost and facing certain death. Then… I saw a dim yellow glow in the distance! We rowed toward it closer and closer and it grew ever larger drawing us toward its light. The same fire that destroyed our home had saved our lives!”

Karl understood an important lesson. Failure is often success when we see it from a different point of view. If we have a positive mindset we can find some good in almost any event, if only we are willing to look for it. The following is a real life example. In 1872 a severe drought occurred in California that shriveled up the entire grape crop of many local farmers. Virtually all the farmers considered their crops a failure. They disposed of tons of their shriveled grapes in great despair. However, one farmer sent his “dried up” grapes to a grocery store and they were advertised as Peruvian delicacies. These decimated grapes even began to sell for a premium price far above the cost of fresh grapes! And from this crop failure, we have all been eating raisins ever since! Again, failure is largely determined by our perspective and point of view. If you consider yourself, or an event as a failure, perhaps another look is in order! Also, don’t allow the perspective of others to determine your own self-worth or achievements. Remember, the other grape farmers gave up and admitted failure. It was one who stood alone and changed the rule that ultimately was successful.

The perception of life at any given moment may not reveal its true meaning. Most of us make the mistake of judging events by too short of a segment of time, or too few events! If we judge everything by too few circumstances, we will incorrectly read the whole of life by a few isolated events. Perhaps just another day away, or over the next hill we will be able to view what appeared to be a failure as a true success. The people who win are those who hold on to their hopes and dreams. They patiently wait for the proper perspective to become clear.

Many folks feel like failures because they need the right standards to measure success or failure. Success is not the achievement of power, prestige or great influence. Most individuals achieve these things but are not happy or even content with what they have. Numerous athletes and entertainers achieve these things only to lose it all in an orgy of self-destruction. Success is doing what you can, with where you are, and with what you have been given to work with! Achieving our best is always limited by our existing circumstances. It is easy to say, “if only I had known, or if only I could turn back the hands of time”. But we simply can’t do that, because no one can know everything. Hindsight is 20/20 but the future is always foggy. We all have to make decisions and plot our direction only with the information we presently have at hand.

In conclusion, it is natural to go through times when “everything seems to go wrong”. When this occurs realize that this too may have an important purpose in your life. Focus on your long-term goals and don’t sacrifice your core values or abandon your mission when you are discouraged. If you have prepared in advance, the momentum of those deep convictions will pull you through toward a new and brighter day! Be careful how you define a “failure” and how quickly you make this judgment about yourself or others. Yes, when we feel we have “missed the mark” or failed, we should seriously examine what we did wrong to learn from the experience! But, remember that failure is relative to time. What may appear to be a failure today may have planted the seeds for success tomorrow. Secondly, failure is often success when we see it from a different point of view. With a proper perspective…what actually happens in the “end” may be far different than what we immediately see.

Many years ago a young struggling cartoonist lost his job when he was told by his boss “he couldn’t draw and had no talent”. He decided to work for himself and find his own clients. After a long period of struggle and apparent failure he found only one customer! A minister paid him a very small amount of money to draw advertising for his church. The cartoonist was so downtrodden and pathetic the church allowed him to stay in their mouse-infested garage. While he lived there he drew cartoons that no one seemed to want, and nicknamed his favorite little mouse, who scurried about in the garage…Mickey Mouse. From apparent failure Walt Disney transcended disappointment and misfortune to become a success. He achieved this by believing in his vision, overcoming disappointment and living his mission with a right perspective.

Remember the long-term perspective the next time you get discouraged and “everything seems to be going wrong”!

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About the author:

Greg has over 25 years of sales and marketing experience within the electrical manufacturing industry. Some of his positions have included being a National Sales Manager, National Marketing Manager and Regional Sales Manager. He also has an extensive 35 years experience in public speaking and has written articles for various publications. Greg has a Master of Arts degree in Leadership from Bellevue University, where he has served as an adjunct professor. He is the founder of weLEAD Incorporated, a nonprofit organization chartered to promote personal and organizational leadership. Greg's personal site is located at http://www.greglthomas.info