weLEAD Online Magazine
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Copyright
2005 ã weLEAD, Inc.
Welcome to the May 2005
weLEAD editorial
By Dr. Howard Baker
What is one of the most important things a caring
leader can model and teach those they lead?
I have thought about this for some time now, and I keep coming
back to the same conclusion. One of the
most important things a leader can model and teach, if not the most important thing, is the art of truly listening and
effectively giving and receiving honest feedback.
When I say listening, I
do not mean hearing. Many people hear what is being said but don’t
listen to learn or to be influenced.
They are simply listening to reply, or to figure out how they can defend
their current position or avoid shame or embarrassment. They may also be listening for vulnerability
in the other person’s position so they can take advantage of it and remain in
control.
I believe that most listening today is not done in order to learn.
This sad situation is manifested in many ways. One of the most pronounced ways is a lack of
seeking honest feedback.
In the June 1999 issue of FastCompany magazine (page 116), in the article entitled A Leader’s Journey, Pamela Kruger
states:
“…‘learning leaders’ are people with enough self-knowledge and
emotional security to remain true to their ‘authentic’ selves and also to grow
from criticism.”
In that same article Paul Wieand, one of
the banking industry’s youngest-ever CEOs, is quoted:
“Leaders have to be willing to listen and to learn from feedback,
or they—and their company—won’t grow.”
Personal change and growth is often difficult and unpleasant. Therefore, the human tendency is to avoid
seeking honest feedback which might point out areas of needed change. If unsolicited feedback is given, many ignore
it. Most prefer to just continue
“business as usual,” pretending that the feedback was never delivered. If it can’t be ignored, it is often dismissed
with statements like “everyone has their opinion.”
Looking in a mirror and seeing areas in our life that need to be
changed is extremely challenging for all of us.
It is virtually impossible for the emotionally immature.
Over 3,000 years ago the Greeks wrote about hubris. In the September/October 2004 issue of Continuity Insights (page 10), executive
publisher Robert Nakao, in the From the Publisher section of the magazine, has a piece entitled, Can We Mitigate Hubris? He says that “hubris may be characterized by
those who possess power, authority and wealth who curiously engage in actions
destructive to themselves, their organizations and their employees.” He then quotes Dr. Paul Woodruff, author of Reverence: Renewing a Forgotten Virtue,
and professor of philosophy at the
“When people are powerful, they tend to fall into habits of acting
as if they were divine. The cliché, of
course, is that power corrupts. But what
the Greeks noticed is that it corrupts in a very particular way. You think that you can’t go wrong. You think that you can’t be mistaken. You think that because you are not likely to
be mistaken, you don’t have to listen to other people. Those are all signs of tyranny and they’re
all signs of hubris.”
Unfortunately, shameless arrogance and irreverence today is not
confined only to the rich and powerful.
Narcissism has become epidemic at all levels of our society and, according
to Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW (author of Why
is it Always about You?), narcissism is the root
problem of “many of the social ills that plague twenty-first century
According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, narcissism
is “a pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession
with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless
pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.”
Sandy Hotchkiss says (page 69) that “narcissists will go to great
lengths to avoid any reality that evokes shame and to promote fantasies that
sustain their grandiosity and omnipotence.”
Such people are psychologically unable to deal with honest feedback and
their shortcomings. They are not healthy
enough to handle give and take relationships.
They are terrible listeners!
As caring leaders, we must first examine our own conduct and
paradigms. How well do we listen to
others? Do we listen to learn and be influenced, or do we listen in order to
defend our current situation or behavior?
Stephen Covey, in his book The
7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says the real key to your influence is
your example, your actual conduct. “Being influenceable
is the key to influencing others.”
On page 243 Covey states:
“It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening
experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable.”
When giving feedback to one who is sincerely striving to
understand and be influenced, recognize that person is very vulnerable. Be
careful to always be respectful and show honor to the person, even if what you
have to say is strong medicine.
An excellent place to practice giving and receiving feedback is in
the home. In The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective Families, Stephen Covey says:
“’Family’ is about learning the lessons of life, and feedback is a
natural part of that learning.”
Effective feedback must not involve blaming, accusing,
criticizing, complaining and personal attack.
Effective feedback flows from humility.
The person giving the feedback recognizes that he or she is walking on
“holy ground.” The other person is very vulnerable and must be treated with
respect, even when the feedback is a bitter pill to swallow. You are communicating not only to the head of
the other person, but also to the heart!
Listening is also important while giving
feedback. Feedback is actually a two way street. When one gives feedback he or she should also
be willing to receive feedback. If the
other person is reacting unfavorably to your feedback, listen to what the
person is saying in response to your feedback.
Being an effective provider of feedback requires both a humble and
teachable mind-set and a skill-set
that may take years to achieve. It takes
considerable skill to shift a person’s perspective without evoking negative
responses such as guilt, anger, or resentment.
Just pointing out someone’s faults is not the same as providing
effective feedback.
One of the most important things a leader can model and teach is
how to truly listen. We must recognize
how narcissistic tendencies have saturated our present culture and influenced
us as leaders. We must admit our own
vulnerabilities and limited perceptions as we work to shift the perceptions of
others.
Comments
to: hbaker@leadingtoday.org
To read more
of Dr. Baker’s articles, click
here to locate the “Baker Collection”.
About the
author:
Dr. J.