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How to Deepen Trust: Be Direct
By
Brady Wilson
When
73-year-old Helga signed up to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, she didn’t expect
to be the one serving refreshments to the builders. Although she was
happy to be helping out, she wanted to do something else.
A couple of hours into working, a volunteer
manager came by and asked her how she was doing. A critical
moment. She could either continue with her work and
avoid causing friction by saying nothing, or she could be direct and speak up.
Helga decided to speak her truth. “I don’t really want to be doing this job,”
she admitted. “Oh,” replied the volunteer manager, “Perhaps you’d like to work
at the registration desk?” A disappointed look fell over Helga’s face.
Fortunately, the manager noticed this. “What do you want to do?” she asked.
Now, Helga beamed, “I want to drywall!”
Two years later, Helga is one of the most
efficient drywallers volunteering at Habitat for
Humanity. Had she chosen to remain quiet, she would have missed the opportunity
to do what she really wanted, and Habitat for Humanity would have lost out on a
devoted volunteer.
Directness
takes Courage and Gains Respect
If someone has food stuck in their teeth
after a meal, do you tell them, or do you just let it go, only to giggle about
it with someone else later? What prevents you from telling that person -
perhaps a fear of embarrassing them? Regardless of how embarrassed that person
was, they were probably grateful you said something, to spare them from further
humiliation. That’s the power of directness – the more you use it, the more
trusted and credible you become as a reliable source for reality.
Indirect communication also has strength.
It devours courage and it’s the greatest source for toxic communication in a
relationship. It’s what people don’t say
that creates long-term toxicity, rather than what they do say.
Directness is candidly asserting your reality
to others, face-to-face. Candidly asserting your reality transcends most
peoples’ definition of honesty and takes you to a place of not withholding what’s going on inside you. It means being open to
telling your truth and getting it “out there” into the world. Naturally, this
isn’t an easy task – especially if an organizational culture doesn’t support
the truth and actually punishes the messengers.
The face-to-face component of directness is
the conduit that allows the most reality to flow through. The telephone,
voicemail and email are all good tools, but face-to-face conversation is the best
medium for sending certain kinds of messages.
When sharing anything that could be
perceived as change, ambiguous or hurtful, face-to-face conversations allow you
to convey empathy and more accurately read others’ emotions. Far too many
people use voicemail and email for messages that should be delivered
face-to-face.
The Directness Pay-Off
Direct, face-to-face conversations are not always about being nice and
they’re not always easy. But, employees owe it to themselves, their peers and their
leaders to be direct. Being direct takes courage. And the upfront investment of
discomfort is worth the eventual paybacks of respect, trust, collaboration and
goodwill.
Directness is made up of two vital
components – honesty and immediacy. While pulling information from others,
(like the volunteer manager did) initiates trust, directness deepens it.
As we grew up, many of us were embedded
with indirect forms of communication. What we saw modeled were messages like,
“When you’re angry with someone, give them the cold shoulder and don’t speak to
them.” Or, we saw people speaking their truth about others, behind their backs,
and not to their face. Witnessing this time after time imprinted us with a way
of doing communication that was largely indirect; either we don’t speak our
reality or we don’t do it face-to-face.
How is directness encouraged (or discouraged)
in your workplace? How often do your employees hold back on things that really
need to be said? And how much does that cost your organization – either
financially or emotionally?
Indirect communication sends out ripples
that are picked up at a deep, unconscious level in others. In every
conversation, there are two streams flowing out of you – the information stream
(what comes out of your mouth) and the meaning stream (what comes out of your
heart). Sometimes you say, “That’s a good idea” with your mouth and, “You’re an
idiot” with your heart. When the info stream and the meaning stream send mixed
messages, it becomes confusing for other people. The sound waves that go into
their ears say, “Your thoughts have value” and the feeling waves picked up by their
heart say, “Your thoughts are worthless”. Although they may not be able to put
their finger on the reason, they know at an unconscious level that they can’t
trust you.
Directness is speaking the same thing with
your mouth that you are speaking with your heart, and doing it face-to-face
with the other person. When content synchronizes with intent, something
resonates forcibly within the listener to form a clear message - “Trust this
person”. The next time you get that “Helga” feeling inside where you know you
have the choice to speak your truth, Be Direct and reap the rewards.
SIDEBAR:
There are a lot of reasons people site for
not being direct:
1.
I’m afraid to bring this up to him. I don’t need the ugly
confrontation.
2.
This feels too awkward. I don’t want to embarrass her with
the truth.
3.
I can’t own up to this. He wouldn’t understand. He’ll jump
to conclusions before I have a chance to explain.
4.
I’m not going to be the messenger – she executed the last
one.
5.
Who am I to try to teach him? He’s the leader of the whole
company. What do I know? – I have no credibility.
6.
I’ve tried to tell her – she doesn’t care and she never
listens to me.
7.
Last time I was suspected of insubordination just because I
said something that wasn’t the party line.
8.
She doesn’t really want my feedback – she just wants to be
perceived as somebody who wants feedback. She never uses it anyway.
If you catch
yourself saying any of these statements, then perhaps it’s an indication that
you need to encourage more directness in your environment!
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About the author:
Brady Wilson,
partner of Juice Inc., has provided his insight and objectivity to unleash
profitable results for many of