weLEAD Online Magazine

leadingtoday.org

Copyright 2004 ã weLEAD, Inc.

Bringing Meaning into Everyday Living

By Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

In my years as a psychologist, I have come to believe that most people seeking psychotherapy are unhappy. This is not only due to earlier hurts and traumas, as well as present frustrations and problems, but because they cannot access earlier happy moments often enough. The unfortunate result is not being able to experience enough positive states of well-being. It is these unique states of well being that I have come to label THE ENCHANTED SELF.

Many scientists of human behavior recognize that we do not yet, and perhaps never can, fully understand human nature. I have become more and more convinced that we do not. What interests me, is that we do not fully understand some people, who have apparently fortunate lives but experience little joy, while others, apparently less fortunate, experience great joy. Perhaps we have tried too hard to understand pathology in our science of psychology, and have not tried hard enough to recognize and understand what I call ego-states, or happiness.

When I first began to analyze the data from the women I interviewed, I kept trying to understand how their enchanted adult lives evolved from the childhoods they talked about. I found that although there seemed to be some clear connections, many others were not clear at all.

The capacities of these women to reclaim positive aspects of their childhood, while discarding the dysfunction that was often also present, was astounding to me. It seemed as if a magic wand had been tapped on the women's heads in their adult lives.

For example, when Edith talked about her childhood, she at first remembered only its dysfunctional aspects: the fighting between her parents and their constant criticality. I suggested that we go back and look again at her childhood to identify times when, in spite of the pain of family life, she felt excited about her own life and about herself. With this encouragement, she could separate out positive memories of herself from dysfunctional family experiences. She started remembering some wonderful times: delightful family picnics, fishing with her grandfather, and more.

An activity you can do to start on the positive road of Enchantment:

What are some golden moments in your childhood when you felt particularly happy? These moments can be from any age, from your earliest memories through early adulthood. When you find a golden memory, enjoy it. See yourself at that age and experiment with letting different senses reconnect to that happy time. Can you remember the way your body felt? Can you remember what activity you were engaged in? Were there any aromas? What was the weather like? How did things look around you? What did your mood feel like? Take time to really enjoy this happy memory of yourself.

Another activity you can do is to learn to enjoy the opportunities that come with the changing seasons.

Spring is here at last!  The season brings with it an opportunity for continued personal growth, stimulated by a sense of life renewing itself around us.  We see growth of every kind reflected in our environment in the spring.  Tiny seeds and bulbs blossom into colorful arrays of yellow, purple, and pink flowers and plants and the grass becomes green.  Suddenly one day we look at the trees and see soft green leaves.  Children seem to leap ahead in growth, outgrowing clothing and changing shoe sizes.  One day in the supermarket there are blueberries from central New Jersey, not flown in from California.

For most of us, we find our senses heightened as warmer temperatures and refreshingly long days beckon us outdoors.  Whether sitting outside on a bench, a porch, taking a walk or playing a sport, we become attuned to all the smells, sounds and sights that we associate with spring and the way our bodies feel.

Spring is a time for growing optimistically!  A sense of hope is in the air. Hardly a person does not respond to positive feelings on certain spring days. We all talk about spring fever.  If we look carefully at our reactions, we can see that THE ENCHANTED SELF is at work.  Outside, breathing the spring fresh air, it is easy to recall an earlier positive spring memory.  Perhaps it is remembering yourself racing your bicycle down a hill on a spring day, or coming home exhausted and hungry after playing baseball.  Maybe it's the exciting feeling of a crush in the seventh grade combined with smelling honeysuckle or lavender as you walked home together.  The images are boundless.  Even for those of us who experienced difficult growing up days, we still have positive memories often awakened by our senses this time of the year.

If you let yourself enjoy each new spring day by "being there" rather than just "doing," then you can have the joy of not only being in the moment but also of rekindling wonderful earlier memories.

In terms of growing optimistically, it is often these earlier memories that can serve as a jumping off point for your own positive growth.  You might remember how you felt roller-skating on a spring day.  Perhaps this memory was triggered by a walk you had yesterday.  How can you recapture the exuberance and enthusiasm you felt roller-skating many, many years ago?  Perhaps it is time to walk consistently everyday.  Perhaps it is time to buy a pair of roller blades and learn to use them.  Perhaps it is time to develop another form of exercise, or maybe you would rather have the pleasure of helping to teach a child or grandchild how to roller-skate.  The ways to reinvent your past into positive states of mind and body again and again are unique to you.  Don't give up your opportunities to grow optimistically in these glorious months,

My message to you is to honor yourself, to honor your memories and let them pleasure you as you navigate through the spring months.  Try not to focus on the unpleasant aspects of earlier days.  Look for the "positive" memory traces associated with a smell, a taste, or an awareness that is rekindled by the blossoming of spring.

Who can control a smile sneaking across your face as you go outside on a beautiful spring day, suddenly finding your nostrils filled with a sweet aroma of fresh blooms, while feeling warm breezes against your skin, whispering, "No coat today."? Nature provides enchantment all around us in the spring. The birds sing, the flowers bloom, animals have their babies, new birds learn to fly. If you look high up in a tree you might see an exquisite bird singing loudly, full of life. It is as if nature gives humans an opportunity for enchantment all around. Yet, we often are indifferent, not responding spontaneously to the rebirth of spring. We seem to be, at times, equipped to live lives of misery brought on by ourselves. Many of us are able to generate a bad mood, put ourselves down, see our future as dark or today as gloomy. We have lost or never had the easy comfort and capacity to relax and enjoy life that a cat has on a sunny porch just snoozing and rolling over. We humans have to work at enchantment. Let s take a moment and look at what the major components of this work called "enchantment" are.

To experience what we call THE ENCHANTED SELF, that is positive states of mind and body again and again, a person must be able to develop three capacities. The first is the ability to successfully meet one s needs. This can be challenging when we find ourselves committed or obligated to be elsewhere or doing other things. There is a saying, "If you can t go to the mountain than bring the mountain to you." You may yearn to be outdoors playing sports or gardening but find yourself stuck indoors at home or at work. Opening the windows to let fresh air in, displaying a vase of colorful flowers on a table are some of the ways that can enable you to experience a spring day.

What s important is that you recognize what you need and then act upon it. This may mean verbalizing what you want to others or just giving yourself permission to take the time to do something that adds enjoyment to your life.

The second capacity we need to develop is having a positive appreciation of yourself, so that you see yourself as worthy of experiencing enchanted times. This means recognizing your personal value. Your children and/or husband, wife, boss, significant others are all important and should be treated with care and respect, but they are not more important than you. You are unique, with talents, coping skills and potential. You have the right to balance your life so that your needs can be taken into consideration. This self value is another building block of enchantment.

The last component is recognizing what really does give you pleasure. You may love walking on the beach, your bare feet touching the sand, still cool in the spring. You may enjoy going to a local county park when temperatures start rising. Someone else may prefer to engage in a more active social life in the spring and perhaps does not care about being outdoors. The spring may stimulate a yearning to have friends visit, or go to the local fine restaurants and experience different types of foods. Enchantment requires a self knowledge that only each person must know for himself or herself.

And don t forget your memory banks, your wonderful treasure chests. As you begin to spring into enchantment, it is in these memory chests that you will recognize your special interests and preferences. Your positive memories can help you frame out what you would like to do this season.

Here is an exercise to get you started:

Close your eyes and let your mind wander back to something that you loved to do as a child in the spring. Did you like to climb trees? Did you like to ride a bike? Go fishing? Run? Catch lightning bugs at night? Think about the way your body felt as you did this activity. Did you feel excited? Did you feel particularly alive and alert? Did you feel relaxed? Think about how you felt when the activity was over. Were you exhausted? Were you revitalized? Were you hungry? Now list some of the skills that were necessary to perform that activity. For example, if you used to love to climb trees, some of the skills might have been agility or arm strength to lift yourself onto branches. Another skill was probably good balance. Do you still have these skills? If so, what would you like to try at this stage of your life that might let you get back in touch with the physical pleasures that you were so naturally in touch with as a child? Perhaps dancing or lifting weights or rock climbing? Whatever your physical pleasure may have been, lift it out, dust it off, and use it. And most important, enjoy!

If you do not have these skills, what are some alternatives? Perhaps rather than tree climbing you could stretch in all directions, lying on a mat or on a soft carpet. This will require much less in the way of balance or risk-taking. Perhaps you would enjoy a risk-taking adventure via a book, movie or a computer game. Reinvention of yourself in order to experience pleasure is a never ending pursuit.

How do we finally begin to generate a world of enchantment? It is very simple. If you are leading an enchanted life you will quickly see that you send out positive energies and positive messages. Before you know it, there is a mutuality of shared enchantment going on. Laughter is infectious, good moods are catching, and like the birds singing, all of these happy reflections of harmony are resonated again and again as they move out in ever expanding circles. We hope you will take some time to spring into enchantment and to let yourself move from feeling enchanted to being truly enchanting.

Comments to: editor@leadingtoday.org

BACK TO weLEAD HOME PAGE

About the author:

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein , is originator of THE ENCHANTED SELF® concept that seeks to bring delight and meaning into everyday living. You are invited to learn more about Dr. Holstein and THE ENCHANTED SELF® at http://www.enchantedself.com.