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Dealing with Cranky Co-Workers and Clients

Banish Negativity to Keep the Fun Alive

By Jody Urquhart

Let’s face it; some peoples’ mood swings can gnaw at your sanity. And like a bad infection, others’ crankiness spreads and threatens your otherwise pleasant personality. You will do anything to escape their subtle harassment and frequent emotional outbursts. Other peoples’ crankiness can become your own liability. They are sucking the JOY out of your job. Cranky coworkers and clients can deteriorate morale, lower productivity, and scare you away.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Whose the Crankiest of them all?

Unbelievably, most prickly people have no idea of the poison they ooze. As psychologists suggest, knowing is half the battle because you can’t change what you don’t know and you can’t see. How do you help cranky colleagues and clients to fess up to their torcherous mood swings? Can you hold up a mirror so they can see the villain inside? Read on to find out how to “uncrank” the cranky.

Difficult people operate in numerous ways, but some of the characteristics of difficult and cranky people are that they:

Appear Angry or Lash out

Have Low Self Esteem

Manipulate and Control

Are Self Focused

Distort the Truth

Before you get overwhelmed by their energy-sapping demands, remember you are in control.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones,

…but names will never hurt me. Remember, nobody can ruin your day until you give permission. Only you ultimately control the way you respond to situations and people. This is very powerful. The next time someone loses it and tries to take it out on you, before you get upset or take on the blame remember you have a choice. Do I let this upset me or not? Most things don’t warrant your attention. We allow people to make us crazy when we don't allow them to be themselves. If you work with someone who habitually flies off the handle, you will have to learn to not to take it personally. Here are some tips to diffuse conflict:

Diffuse hostility by relating to their point of view.

Anger is not productive. And the sooner you can calm the culprit down the better. Use statements like, “I can see what you’re saying” or “I’ve felt that way too” or “That’s what I thought for awhile” or “While that may be true…” Once you’ve calmed the other person down you can discuss things on a more logical level. If you can win them over, they will start to see you as an ally and trust in your opinion. This is where you have the power to influence their future behavior.

Stay Calm. Going straight for the throat is the worst thing you can do because people tend to mimic your behavior. If you get angry, they get angrier and you have just fueled their cause. It helps to have three or four things you can do to stay calm when under fire. Deep Breathing, Positive Affirmations (ie- I will remain calm, or I can handle this), or focus on the resolution.

Back Out Gracefully.

We are all human. If someone is on the attack and you’re not in the mood to defend yourself, try diffusing the attacker and back out gracefully. “ I can see you are upset, and we need to discuss this but now is not the time. Let’s talk about it later.“ It is far better to come back to that person later when you are both in the mood to discuss your position.

Remember good body language..

In situations of conflict, often body language is the first thing to go. Indicate you are listening by making eye contact, nodding, smiling, leaning forward, and paraphrase what you hear.

Verbally move the “complaining” along.

Some people need to complain, so let them. Most people will get it out and move on. Others may see this as an opportunity to drag someone else through the mud. The best way to stop the complaints is to move it along… Ok, Yes, Alright, I hear you, Ok… once you get the gist of their argument, quickly reiterate their concern and move into the solution. You don’t have to be a victim of others complaining, so instead of visualizing duct tape over their mouth, try paying attention and verbally move the conversation along to get to a resolution.

Listen for Word and Emotions

When people are emotionally charged they colour their words with their attitude. It is important to stay focused. What are they getting at and what does this mean to you? It helps to be straightforward and ask “What are you trying to tell me?” Try to understand their basic needs and respond to them. Your responses may not solve their deeper life issues, but they will set a positive tone in your relationship.

Be Solution Oriented, Not Problem Focused

Behavior that gets recognized gets repeated, good or bad. If you spend too much time wallowing in the problem it may just grow. Understand and sum up the problem and immediately focus on the solution.

Use the How Can I Help Approach…

“You seemed annoyed and withdrawn at the meeting when we really needed your input. What’s wrong? How can I help?” Most frustrated employees really want to get it off their chest so they can move on.

Never Blame

When someone is upset, placing the blame back on them is dangerous. They are not is a position to recognize their faults. Watch for phrases like you should have, you didn’t, you can’t… These accusatory statements will only put others on the defensive.

Use four steps to deal with negative behavior:

1) Defuse the anger by relating (I understand and…) “I

notice you seemed irritated by my client and I can

understand, sometimes she is hard to deal with. And I

believe all clients deserve to be treated well.”

2) Next talk about what you saw… “I saw you get really upset with Ms Jones because she wouldn’t take her medication.”

3) Next ask for what you want… “the next time this happens can you just politely explain why the medication is important and assist her in taking it?”

4) Wait for agreement

Crush Criticism

Squacking sour criticism behind a co-worker’s back is destructive. Eventually people become wise to cruel intentions and snubbing others begs for retribution. Stop criticism before it gets out of hand. Encourage critical employees to keep a positive tone when talking with co-workers. If they carry a grudge it should be dealt directly with the person they hold the grudge against. Be on the watch for criticism seeping into conversation and encourage critical colleagues to explore their feelings and come to terms with their indifference.

Exercise: Who are the difficult people in your life? Make a list of some that you have encountered in the last couple weeks. Briefly recall the situation, what did they say and how did you handle it? Now visualize it happening differently.. What would you say that would calm the person down? How would you move the conversation along and resolve the issue? See yourself doing this in a very relaxed and focused manner, positively impacting the relationship in the future. I suggest you do this visualization exercise once a week if possible. Than, when you are in a tumultuous situation all you have to do is pull up this vision you have rehearsed in your mind and this will give you the confidence to handle the situation.

Disarmed by Honesty

Imagine this. A frustrated employee tries to provoke a coworker. It works, he’s mad. But instead of traditionally flaring up, he stops and realizes he’s angry, reflects on why and responds with an honest expression of his emotion. He says, “ I want to understand what you’re saying and I’m feeling frustrated that we can’t come to terms with this. I don’t dislike your idea, I’m just finding it hard to concentrate because we are both so emotionally charged. There is nothing more disarming than an honest and clear expression of emotion. Honesty kills Crankiness.

If we don’t deal with emotionally charged situations right away. then we might carry emotional baggage that colors our relationships in the future. Remember to be faithful to who you are and what you are there to do, and resist the temptation to let others derail your efforts.

Comments to: ido@idoinspire.com

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About the author:

Jody Urquhart, a popular speaker and writer, is recognized in Canada, the United States and Europe, She has presented her signature topic, Joy of Work, to 65 organizations last year alone. Her monthly column on the same subject appears in over fifty trade journals. Jody is also an associate speaker for the Individual Development Organization in Vancouver where she works with Bill Clennan, the Dean of Canadian Speakers.

Jody holds diplomas in Professional Speaking and Writing from Mount Royal College and in Management and Marketing from the Southern Alberta Institute of Technology. She studied Management for three years at the University of Calgary. Her business experience includes management positions in both the banking and retail industries. Jody is a proud member of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers and holds the distinction of being one of its founding board members. Jody is the author of the book “ALL WORK & NO SAY TAKES THE PASSION AWAY”. To order your copy, or to discuss having Jody speak at your next meeting, feel free to email her at ido@idoinspire.com